It’s Time to Have the Tough Conversations

By Rachel Weiss

As a manager, you may need to provide feedback to team members about uncomfortable topics. They are not getting results, they’ve offended someone else on the team, and they’re not getting the raise they expected. Many managers shy away from tough encounters because they are scary
conversations to have. You typically don’t know what to expect. Will they get angry when I tell them they’re not getting the resources they want? Will they ask me questions I can’t answer about the new policies? As a people manager, navigating these conversations with your team, even when they’re
uncomfortable, is your job. It’s no secret that preparation is often the key to success, and sharing difficult news is no different. Before even considering how to initiate the conversation, determine if you are prepared to have the
right conversation with the right person at the right time. Step one is to ensure that this is a necessary conversation that will likely lead to a positive outcome. Consider yourself ready for the conversation if you can answer yes to these questions: Will this feedback…
● Enhance their performance?
● Improve their engagement with the team?
● Make your relationship with them better?
● Build trust?
● Impact the way you work together in the future?
Once you’re sure it’s the right thing to do, consider their frame of mind. Will this blindside them, or will they have a sense that it might be coming? Do they tend to shut down when you provide feedback, or do they trust your motivations for sharing? Mindlessly jumping into a tough conversation can backfire quickly -- be prepared for how you will handle the way you expect them to respond. And hey, sometimes people surprise you in a good way! Be ready for some common ways people may react when they feel uncomfortable and that will stall the outcome:
● Some people say what you want to hear - “You’re right; I understand. It won’t happen again.” While this may be nice to hear, you want to know that they mean it sincerely and are not just using it to diffuse the situation and end an uncomfortable moment.
● Some people attack when they feel threatened - “No one trained me on this, so what do you expect? You expect more from me than anyone else.” You’ll need to help them move past blame and excuses and get to a productive mindset.
● Some people fall apart and feel personally attacked - “I knew this would be too hard for me. I am no good at this; I don’t know what to do.” It’s essential to get them out of their pity zone and clarify that the feedback is constructive.
Throughout the entire conversation, focus on the goal. If you’ve done step one, you know you’re doing this for the right reasons, so stick to those reasons. It’s easy to become sidetracked, especially when topics are emotional or uncomfortable. Still, keeping your goal in mind will help you respond in productive ways to whatever is in your path. Sometimes, it may be a suggestion to pause the conversation and pick it up after they’ve had time to process what you said. Don’t go more than 24  hours; they may begin to fume instead. Try something like this: “Let’s pick this up again after lunch,” or “Why don’t you mull this over for a bit and come back to my office later this afternoon.”

If it feels like things are going off the rails, here are some tips for getting back on track:
● Make Sure your intent for having this conversation is clear. They may assume you’re being punitive or frustrated, but if you’re having the conversation for the right reason, you’re trying to help them improve their performance. Be clear about that.
● Clarify what your intentions are in plain language. “I don’t want you to think I’m trying to micromanage you, as I’m not interested in that. I do want to talk through with you why it’s important to manage stakeholders well and to coach you for future opportunities.” There should be no confusion about why you’re having this conversation or the outcome you expect.
● Share specific examples of where they can improve. You’ll never get to a satisfactory resolution if you’re not on the same page regarding the issue.
Lastly, and this is a crucial skill for all people managers, default to guided questions throughout the conversation. People often put more stock into things that they think of themselves over what they hear from others, so you’ll want to help them connect the dots instead of you straight out telling
them what the issue and the solution are. Using questions to help them recognize where they went wrong and what solutions they can take to heart will get them there quicker. Some good questions to use when you’re trying to lead them to common ground and keep the conversation focused on moving forward are:
● How did you decide on that course of action?
● Where do you think things started to take a turn for the worse?
● How would you do things differently if you had a do-over?
● Who can support you when you’re dealing with this issue again?
● When would you like me to step in if you found yourself in this situation again?

Notice that none of those questions begins with the word WHY— starting questions with why tends to put people on the defensive. You can ask the same question but frame it to inspire thought instead of self-protection. It might feel like a bit of mental gymnastics, but you will be more likely to have a conversation that will lead to a positive outcome. Instead of:
● “Why did you bring your stakeholders in so late in the game?” you can ask, “When would you bring in your stakeholders if you could do this again?”
● “Why didn’t you come to me sooner if you knew you weren’t going to make your deadline?” you can ask, “When did you realize you weren’t going to make your deadline?”
● “Why did you do it that way?” you can ask, “Can you walk me through how you decided to do it that way?”
Tough conversations are never smooth sailing – after all, that’s why we characterize them as tough! When you know you’re having the right talk at the right time with the right person, you’re as ready as you can be for how they might react, and you’re prepared to use guided questions to help them realize what they did wrong and how to do it better, you’ll be well on your way to handling tough, yet productive, conversations!
Rachel Weiss is the Executive Consultant for TheHumanManager.org